The end

this blog is now finished…

Because it has moved to this new amazing address: bernique.net!!

How I paid 6 euros for a crêpe with sugar (part 1)

Last Monday, that guy came to talk to me as I was having a cup of coffee at the gym, just before leaving.

Dutch, 30-ish, tall, lean, well-dressed (you would emphasize that as well if you were living in the Netherlands), named Wouter (apparently, it is the Dutch equivalent of Walter, but every time I hear this name I giggle like a school girl because of all the nasty jokes that come to my mind)(Wout Wout, in the boutt).

I explained that I had lived almost al my life in Paris but that my roots were from Brittany.

———————————
I will just interrupt my story a few seconds to enlighten you.

That, reader, is the perfect combo to get laid whenever you want when you are abroad. Here’s why:

-Most of the time, saying you are French is enough. However, when people ask from where you are exactly (which is a dumb question since they only know Paris, Bordeaux and Cannes (but don’t even know where it is on a map)), chances is they will not know Sucy-en-Bry, Poitiers, or Montelimar, and you will awkwardly spend the next 5 minutes trying to explain a location on an imaginary map, on the bar counter, even though nobody, not even you, cares about your 20.000 inhabitants provincial town.

-Therefore, saying you are from Paris will often do the trick. the Eiffel tower, fashion, that Woody Allen movie with time travel and the painters… They either have been there or wish they had. The city of love. You can just ask if they live nearby and pretend to be curious about their neighborhood.

-But some will not give a shit about Paris. Too crowded, too big, with rude waiters and taxi drivers, and shop assistants, and… Well, ok, we are all rude to tourists. In our defence, they walk so very slowly, take ages to decide what they want and where to go, they make us uncomfortable with our English accent and they dress as if they wanted deliberatley to make our eyes puke… So you may get a “Oh I’ve been to Paris once, I did not like it”. And because Paris is so great to live in, you will spend the next 3 hours talking about how Paris is the fucking shit, and tourists just know the places where Parisians NEVER go to (seriously, there is nothing to do around the Eiffel Tower).
Mentioning Brittany, or just Bretagne will charm those idiots who don’t like Paris who may have been disappointed by Paris. They will have heard of crepes, Asterix, or Dutch and Germans will have been camping there a few years ago. And almost everyone knows where to put Bretagne on a map. If they can’t, they imagine you are half French and half English, so they will think you are even more exotic, if you say you are from Finistere to Spaniards, they will talk to you about their own Finistere since it is also the name of that part of Spain just above Portugal.

So, when I said I was from Paris and from Bretagne, I knew that Wouter was ripe.

But look, I must go to work and I don’t have the time to finish my story right now.

I just watched Bad Neighbors

So I bought some conditioner and tissues, and I may not be posting for a few days…

Mo-Mo-Motus

France knows it under the name of Motus, Dutch know it as Lingo, and other countries may have known it as Lingo, too, but preferred to forget it. It is a game show that was created 25 years ago, in which contestants try to guess words.

Can you imagine the Netherlands and France are the 2 only countries which still broadcast this game show that only people in hospitals actually watch. In North America, where it was invented, and in most of the countries where it was adapted, it only lasted a couple of years.

We can think of many possible reasons for this French/Dutch success:

– France and the Netherlands have more people in hospitals than other countries

– France and the Netherlands like to pretend they are smart (The same way I pretend to like movies I don’t understand: Mullholand Drive, Inception or Matrix, for instance)

– Other programs broadcasted at the same time suck even more (re-runs of German series like Derrick maybe?)

– The TV sets in stores are all set on those channels and that triple the number of actual viewers

 

Anyway, the Netherlands are more clever than France for two reasons:

– The TV hostess is way hotter than French Thierry Beccaro (easy)

– Lingo will stop next month over here (I am hoping for a Dutch season of Secret Story)

 

Bonus if you like cumshots (don’t lie), watch this extract from Dutch Lingo, with English subs.

A typical day at work

When I think that a few years ago, I was teaching in high schools, and now, here is what I do in Holland…

9am: re-order the waterpipes by size and color, stock shelves with more ceramics of dildos (the red ones which read “I Am Sterdam”), but also the keychains (the red ones which read “I Am Sterdam”), the magnets of dildos (red and.. ok, you got it, by now), the ashtrays with weed leaves, etc…

10am-1pm: “me no parlo Italian”, “me no speak Russian”, “yes, authentic Amsterdam”, French people telling me how jealous they are “You live here, man, you can smoke pot all day long”.

1pm: Time for lunch

1:15pm: Lunch break over (seriously??? The first day, my boss was super mad at me, and I had to explain that in France, we always have a 1 hour break. I don’t think he believed me, but it is true)

1:15pm-5:15pm: same as in the morning, tourists who don’t speak English, French who are high, and talking to Mikhaela, the Russian girl who works there too.She looks like Zac Efron shaved. And that is very troubling.

(Contrarily to what Robert might have told you, I don’t have a fixation issue with Zac. If he went to disappear, just know he might be kept prisonner in my basement)

Fifty shades of FUN!

I must admit I am a little skeptical about the “50 Shades of Grey” boardgame I saw yesterday in the supermarket (no, I don’t go to sex shops. Sex comes to me by itself).

Who plays it? And what is the concept?
“You rolled a 5 with the dice. Spank the next player with kitchenware. Cutting objects not allowed. Pans cannot be hot, unless the other player explicitely requests it.” ?

What I feel like when the Dutch are proud to be Dutch

Amsterdam Gay Pride?

Can you IMAGINE no one offered me to go on one of the boats for the parade?

So I stayed home and I read a big important book rewatched the first season of Gossip Girl.

But I mean, come on. I have a beard like Conchita Wurst and my hair is NATURALLY silky and shiny. And I could wear a dress anyt...
Well. Bottom line is that they should have asked me. I would have put on my slutty way too small tee shirt with “F*ck me, I’m Alex” printed on it (seriously, evertime I wear it, everyone talks to me. It’s magic)(it does not do well for job interviews however)(at least not when I applied for a Training Manager position for an American company based in Amsterdam)(that was clearly discriminatory).

 

Your loss Amsterdam!

Too many seasons,

Always the same things happening episode after episode…

And the main characters are not even sexy…

I am sorry, but I stopped following the Israeli-Palestinian conflict years ago…

“Monsieur Bernique ?”

“oui ?”

(for your comfort, the rest of this post will be translated in English)

“Allo, this is Mrs Royan, from the Credit Voleur, your bank.”

“oh”

“Yes, “oh”. Do you know you are overdrown by 600 euros? From withdrawals in Amtserdam. Are you on holidays? Can we meet and discuss your options?”

So I pretended I was going through a tunnel and turned my phone off.

I went to the shop were I was supposed to have an interview on Monday, begged (the Japanese way, on my knees), and got a job.

And after all, wearing clothes from 1991 is not so bad. I can just pretend I am Zach Morris in Saved by the Bell.